I think it depends on who you ask. Every day we learn and see how romantic love influences peoples lives. For better and for worse. We have women screaming down our throats to de-center men, and relationships, because some reason or another. To an extent, I agree with their sentiments. We see women everyday put their lives on hold for their relationships, alienate their friends and families for men who wouldn’t do the same for them, and accept the bare minimum all to say: I have a Man!
But at what cost? As a self-proclaimed lover girl, who has never been in a relationship and yearns for romantic connection in a society and time where meaningless hookups, and borderline sex work are what’s pushed for our generation, I must wonder if it’s worth it?
If I approach my question from a philosophical standpoint, I would say I think connection is the basis of the human experience. We are meant to build community, to feel emotions for one another, to love and be loved. And yes, this can be satisfied in many ways outside of romantic love. Having amazing and supportive friends is one way. Love of family connected through bloodlines is another. Feeling profound devotion to oneself. But even if a person has all these other forms of love in their lives, what makes us still crave passionate romantic love? And why is that such a downer to those who have experienced it before?
I’m sure like myself you’ve seen women and girls alike flock to social media sites to spill the beans on their less than desirable dating lives. How many of us go home at night and read romance books from #booktok to have a secondhand experience of the type of love we may never experience. So much so, after a while we start to grieve the idea of being loved that deeply. Grieve the little girl in us waiting for the prince charming that Disney so annoyingly made us want. For me, it’s made me question if I even want romantic love at all, while simultaneously grieving the idea that I would find my soulmate.
Though the entire dating pool is trash, I think as a plus size woman, the even smaller pool for us is septic! From my experiences dating from high school to now at my mid-twenties, I’ve encountered the same types of boys and men, simply in different fonts. Scared to commit, only interested in sexual relationships, and insanely rude when you reject what they have to offer. At this point, how could a girl not think maybe this isn’t in the cards for me? Maybe I should pour into my rich auntieness and just Tracy Ellis Ross it out with a few unseen little friends. Maybe I’ll be Samantha, instead of Charlotte.
It’s hard not to ponder whether there is something wrong with you. Are you not worthy of being loved and appreciated out loud? Are you not fit to be taken on dates, and the recipient of flowers, or thoughtfulness… consideration? Why do so many women feel the need to lose weight to finally be taken seriously? How do you not become jaded in that? These are all questions that run through my mind every time I think about this aspect of my life. I don’t know if I have answers to them all quite yet.
While constant singleness is a rampant problem in our generation, I can’t help but to think about us late bloomers. The girls that never had any romantic relationships. Who grew up questioning their desirability and not having even experienced teenage love. Who liked boys, but were never a first choice, or were asked out as a joke. Who went to prom alone. How should we cope with seemingly consistent rejection?
How do we take dating situations and not internalize them when the world has done that for us?
I find myself grieving the life I thought I’d be living in my twenties, and instead adapting slowly to the one that is unfolding. That’s not to say that I am completely hopeless, because I see these beautiful and fulfilling relationships and partnerships around me all the time—significantly more now that we can do a simple TikTok search—but I’m impatient for the day that this “inevitable” earth shattering love finds me. And while some would say that waiting for “the one” is a great thing… what about all the stepping stones that should lead you to each other? The messy breakups, and heartbreaking first loves, the data that should tell me what to accept from my person and teach me boundaries and expectations. Am I to learn all of this from secondhand experiences through my friends and family?
How would I know what real romantic love looks like when I’ve never experienced it firsthand? I fear that I won’t recognize it when it finally comes and will, in my avoidant attachment nature (I’m working on it), run away from genuine connection because all I know from my own experiences are sweet lies and love bombing.
Everyone wants to be loved. That’s a normal human emotion and desire. But if you happen to never be a recipient of the wild, free, world-shaking love that we hear about in movies and books, will your human experience be fulfilling?
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